Respecting Respect: Part II
(From now on I use a feminine gender for "child" and masculine for "parent". This I do for clarity's sake and in mock participation of a traditional power scheme.)
There is also "respect" that regards wellbeing. This kind of respect, if it considers desire, at least does not necessarily align with it. An adequate example of respect for wellbeing pictures in the relationship between parent (or "caretaker", but for clarity's sake I will use "parent") and child. A parent does not respect a child's desires, rather behaves in the way that (at least the parent perceives) perpetuates her wellbeing -- out of love for her. But when child kicks and screams because she was not bought candy, in effect is it because her desires have been disrespected, or were they considered and regarded but merely discarded?
It is obviously irresponsible to claim that a parent ought to uniformly respect a child's desires even where her wellbeing is challenged. There are clear situations where parental intervention is expected, i.e. Keep your hand away from the oven, you’ll get yourself burned! It follows that there are respects of more importance than others. A parent has power over a child to make decisions which affect her and does so according to ideas which presume to have more experience, knowledge, and wisdom.
If the prioritization of the parent’s considerations and sensitivities for wellbeing of the child is rooted in his age and experience, I propose that “age and experience” are an illusion. Certainly a parent is physically older. The assumption that he has more knowledge of wellbeing, however, is a curiosity. Intuitively, while an older person has literally lived longer and been present for more experiences, what knowledge and wisdom gained from those experiences is relative... But relative to what, intelligence? Take Michael Kearny, age 10, the youngest college graduate. I cannot guess how much wisdom Kearny has acquired at 10 years old, but his intelligence is unquestionable -- do I say he is wise and trust his judgment?
If I say there is no distinction between wisdom and intelligence, I challenge myself to believe that at 10 year old is capable of knowing how to cope with the pangs of love and loss, aging, and the fear of death. He may be able to regurgitate clever information on how to handle financial matters he learned in college, but can he deal with the whippings of worldly deception –can he know how to manage a cutthroat business and handle employees?
If I say wisdom and intelligence are separate capacities of a person, I must remember that a measure of wisdom cannot be age. Take a 30 year-old adult with Down’s syndrome. I am unknowledgeable about the capacities of a patient of Down’s, but I should not be contested that there are certain incapacities which hinder such an individual from living an ordinary life… from learning certain wisdoms. Even if I am mistaken with the capacities of extraordinary Down’s patients, perhaps there are more palpable prospects in middle aged men and women that for whatever reasons have grown up poor fools that nobody would call wise.
Intelligence and wisdom are certainly tied, though the strength of the binding is difficult to foresee, predict, and even acknowledge.
I might define wisdom as the capacity and skill of “stepping out to see the big picture”, “evaluating several facets of things”, “knowing multiple consequences of an action”, in order to make competent decisions. But even in the same situation, two persons may have different wisdom about the same thing. Take driving a car or handling an Alzheimer’s patient , for example. I may feel confident moving a car, but how much can I compared to a racecar driver or law enforcement officer with special training! As a product of my experiences with a senile grandmother, I have learned to deal or cope with her literal irrationality. My experience with her may have leaked experiences which allow me patience when dealing with misunderstandings. The point is that while I can claim certain wisdoms that give me patience, other persons are incapable of gauging me correctly (insofar as another person cannot replace or know my consciousness). Herein lies the trouble.
I am operating under the assumption that wisdom has a relationship with the understanding of wellbeing. If wisdom means what I propose, it becomes imperative to be wise in order to make competent decisions. It follows that the struggle between the child vying for her wisdom to be acknowledged and the parent's authority to be maintained is a prevalent struggle in the parent/child relationship. The complication of wisdom and the difficulty of gauging it complicates respecting wellbeing.
Within the relationship of parent and child, the decision that is prioritized is that of the parent. In the traditional household, a child has little power and must be subject to whatever wisdom of her master. But when ought her desires and considerations be respected and sincerely taken into account --especially when there is no measure for wisdom or competence? My personal experience offers me an opinion: the child during the baby stage is wholly dependent -- such that the parent potentially mistakes this for the child's permanent position. If this is the case, potentially the parent lives in constant disrespect of his child's desire, dictating decisions from a position of power regarding an illusory wellbeing.
Not until the parent acknowledges the child's capacity for wisdom (the making of competent decisions) does the parent respect the child for her person. Parent gloms onto his position of power until a jarring, breaking-of-routine power struggle carves for the child her own space of identity and regard. A this moment she chooses to respect herself regardless whether her decisions align with her parent's will and respect. The nature of the actions she takes in order of respecting her own regard, and the consequences of her actions, help determine whether she is acknowledged as capable of autonomy. I said "the nature of her actions". There is no intrinsic "nature" to any action. However to a parent, actions either align according to his sensibilities or they do not. If they align with the parent, her actions will go unperceived. When the sensibilities contradict, the will of the child becomes magnified and so the parent must make decisions in respect to her.
The potential exists for parents to make a seamless transition between disrepect to candid regard of a child's considerations. But so does the potential exist for parent and child to live in an unhealthy mutual disrespect.
It is worth mentioning that there are parts of my argument that do not satisfy. My guesswork about the child/parent relashionship cannot be called universal. Power dynamics in relationships vary depending on individual circumstances such that a normative generalization constitutes a ridiculous endeavor. However, is it an interesting hypothesis? For a child to develop an identity outside from under the subjected rule of a parent, she must challenge her parent's authority and respect in order to gain it.
What do you think?
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